Acceptance

Growing up if you had asked me what the one thing I wanted when I was older the answer was simple and one word;

Kids

Being a mum was something I always wanted and dreamed I’d be and a lot of people said I’d be good at it.

About 4 years ago I started to wonder more about this. I sleep 9 hours a night at least and often nap in the afternoon to ensure I continue to function. Fatigue is a daily struggle for me. If I’m short on sleep I really struggle to cope with the day. Even more so now than then. A night back then of staying up chatting and only getting a few hours sleep led to me being able to barely put one foot in front of the other.

I’ve always believed you shouldn’t have kids if you can’t care for them properly and I began to have doubts whether I could.

These doubts and thoughts carried on and led me to stop being friends with people who had children as I couldn’t bare to be around them at the time.

My sister and brother in law then announced they were pregnant and in 2015 my niece was born.

Seeing my sister and her husband dealing with sleepless nights, feeding, sleepless nights, crying, sleepless nights, sick, sleepless nights and poonamis made me seriously consider even more whether I could manage it.

Just under two years ago I had a massive ataxia attack and now struggle to walk, cook, stand up and live. From then on it was decided that I should never be left alone with a baby or hold one whilst standing etc. I can’t pick up a crying baby without falling over or carry one up the stairs when it needs to nap.

So I decided that having kids wasn’t for me, for their safety and my own. It took a while but I eventually came to terms with this decision and accepted it was the right one.

Having come to terms with this and knowing it was the right decision my sister announced she was pregnant again and a few months later my oldest friend did too.

I’m now auntie to two amazing kids

who I love to pieces and spoil rotten with presents galore. But they are so worth it.

So you may have to adjust your dreams to fit your life but you can stilĺ enjoy the outcome.